De Diary

I don’t know how to start this post. I don’t know whether I should even write all this. Coz you will get angry and confront me and shout all kinds of nonsense and accusations to me again. That’s how it’s been and, the way I see it, that’s how it’s gonna be…till I don’t know when. Nothing’s gonna change about that.

I know you will never believe me but, I’m trying to be patient with you and things around me. I wanna be like my mum, the world’s most patient living person I ever knew. And I respect that. I wanna be like that. I wanna be strong like her. I know for sure I’m not and it’s not easy for me, but I am trying so much. Why? For god, for myself and for YOU!! I know you hate to see people cry. So I’m trying to be strong and absorb all of that in my heart and give a brave façade. All because I don’t wanna make you more angry and I don’t wanna do things that can make matters worst. But I’m sorry. I’m very sorry as I am not given that so much strength and patience. I am a weak person. I burst out when it has reached my limit. Sometimes I tell myself that I’m cool and I can be patient but suddenly I feel drops of water from my eyes and I don’t know why. Believe me, I am trying. Do you even notice all that. For these few days, did I shout at you, did I continuously said everything’s your fault like what I used to do back then (ok a bit but not a lot right?) And do you even notice that you’ve been throwing your water bottle like 2 or 3 times and throwing my bottle so hard that it gave me a really2 bad shock. And you shouting accusations at me and blaming me for everything (even when sometimes it is really not my fault) and remember when you shouted the word “DIAM” so loud in front of my face? Do you know how much that hurts me?
Did I retaliate? Did I fight back?

Do you know how bad it feels when my sacrifices are not appreciated? Yeah you did appreciate some of it. I cracked my mind, trying to be with all my loved ones. I sacrificed a lot of my time with my friends just to be with you. I missed all the fun I’m supposed to have with them just to fulfill your request of being with me. I get scolded and insulted from my parents just because I stayed out late with you. Still, I don’t really blame you on all that. I’m sorry if ever blame you too much. I was just being emotional. But all I really want from you is just a lil’ bit of understanding. Not much my dear, pls… I just want you to know that it’s hard being me right now and I need your help. I can’t do this alone, especially when you keep pointing my every bit of mistake and accusing me of something hurtful. I can’t please everyone. That’s impossible. But I am trying so hard to please everyone. To think back, I am stupid coz I am trying to do something impossible. But I can’t help it, everyone expects that of me. You expect that of me. I am trying to be what you expected but I’m just human and I can’t do it all.

Gosh I don’t know man. I just wish that I could please everyone and make everyone happy, even if that means I myself will not be happy. Actually my point in this post is just to apologize for every single thing that I do to you. And also hope that I can get your understanding coz I am seriously in the middle right now. I really2 don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry.

 I guess this period is one of the worst in my life. Not that it's the worst, just one of. 

First, my aunt passed away, then heard about one of his classmates, then couldn't quit silat, then heard about my favourite instructor quitting. Then yesterday, I cried so much and he didn't know. It feels like now he placed more importance on timezone than me. I don't know if he's changed or what. But one thing for sure, whatever it is, I'm prepared for the worst. There's just too many things that's happened to me now and I just feel I don't care anymore. I'm sorry,

I hope you know what you're doing dear...

It's hard to believe that the person u love most is actually the one who hurts u the most. Both physically and mentally. Hubby, if u r reading this, I just wanna let u know. I may be bad, I make mistakes, I may the worst person in your eyes. But no matter what I do, I don't deserve to be hit. I'm not so bad that u should hit me whenever u like. U dun even have the right to do that. I'm not ur wife, I'm just ur galfren. Even if I become ur wife one day, u shouldn't even hit me. 
I'm sorry. U may think that it's just ur weakness that u tend to lose ur temper. And u may even think that I can take in everything u did, and always give in to u. But let me tell u this. In case u don't know, I'M NOT THE KIND OF PERSON WHO'S GUY BEATS HER UP. I'm not that kind of person. I'm not. I can't accept that and never will. I never expected my life to be this way. And I never expect u to treat me this way. I guess I accepted u because I didn't know u well enough. 
I don't think u love me anyway. Because I believe that if u love a gal, u will never do anything to hurt her. Never.

It is a surprise that it been 11 month together. What makes us together this long is our LOVE that is stronger than anything. It was a up and down relationship but it was cool that we still as one. I love u baby. U make me smile alot of times, make laugh always, help me whenever i in a stress situation, n u r everything that what a guy want. But trust is just not there yet to see and feel. But no matter what i still love u. U make my world round and brighten up my days. You are a type of girl that i call all in one. What make me say that is because u have the looks, smile, everything in one. That already make me very very hard to leave you. Espacially you make me feel that im not alone in this world. You sacrifice your time for me. I love you very much. What best about you is your behaviour. It make me laugh everytime. You enjoying yourself when you are bored. Baby i love you the  way U are. i miss u everysingle sec of my life. i really wanna be by your side always. Love u.... Muackz.....

I am now in one of the most lowest part of my life. Things just hasn't been right lately. Shits happen, in many situations now. Frist got a fight with Zack, then him, and now i'm really facing difficulties in my studies. Why do I have to do things I don't really know for reasons I don't quite understand? It's really stressing for me now. It's kinda hard to just face it all and go thru it. I suppose it would be much easier if someone is here with me, understanding my feelings and current situation, and giving me genuine support. But I guess life isn't about always getting what you want. It's more about how you handle the situation if you don't get what you desire. But, is anybody to be blamed here? Or is it me? I hope it's not me, I mean, I would never ever try to screw up my own life right?? As far as I'm concerned at least.

I don't know. It's pressurizing to keep thinking about it. I don't even know what to do! Oh gosh what is on my mind right now. I don't even freaking know! I really hope things will get better, on one situation at least.

This year's Hari Raya will the best that I ever had. Coz i get to celebrate it my my dearest one. Tomorrow is the day. Gonna meet up woth all my cousins. I hope that I will be able to go out with my friends this year coz I got school from morning till late afternoon. Weekends might be busy. Haizz.. Well, what's important is at least just give me one day to spend time with him this season.

Our 9th months anniversary just passed. I'm so happy about it. But I'm looking forward for 3 more months to 1st year anni. But what I like about this year's raya is, we are wearing the same colour!! YAY!! Brown!! Ok that's like not so big deal but I just love it. But I really hope that we are able to go out with all the ex-KFC people. Kinda miss them. Like long time never see. Hmm nevermnd let's just see.

Anyway, this year's raya is really great for me. Why? Coz there's lots of nice food!! Hehe!! Yummy!!

I swear it wasn't my true self, like what you said that night. Pls don't get the wrong idea. That was absolutely not me. I'm sure you know me well enough. Would I talk to you that way? Would I treat you that way? NO!! I was angry, extremely angry. Like I said before, when I'm angry I will shoot all sorts of crap. And of course I don't mean it at all. I'll never do that again.

I don't wanna talk about that anymore. Coz I don't wanna be reminded of that painful incident again. Let it past, and never stay in my mind..neither will it stay in yours. Let's forget about that. Coz what happened that night, I believe that ain't our game. It's not us. Let us continue our lives like how we are supposed to, with our true self.

I love you

to my baby,
   i been keeping saying i love u so many times is because i reali mean it and no matter wad happen i will always there for you. No matter what happen i will always by ur side. I do not care wad happan to me but what i know myself that i live my life for you and you will always be in my precious little heart. You keeping me pumping and live my dream in what ever i wanna do. Iwanna say a big thank you to you for what you have done for me. i will support u forever.

baby, wanna say a big thank you for the dinner at Seoul Garden. It was enjoying. the ood is nice and i was too happy because i spent my whole day with my dear wife. baby i reali enjoying my life with you. i really really love you. my love is uncountable. it keep growing till i myself cant lve without u even a single second of my life.

dat all i wanna say...

I LOVE YOU BABY POOH

signing off,

hubby

The best thing that can ever happen to me for now is to spend 1 whole day with my dear hubby. So I can say that yesterday was one of the happiest days in my life so far coz I spent time with him from 8 am to about 10 pm. And we had fun. Watching VCD, window-shopping, go arcade and the best part is, having a sumptuous dinner at Seoul Garden. That has been my dream. And finally, it came true. Everything I wanted came true with him. My heart was filed with joy the whole time. I'm really looking forward to more of it.

I don't know why. The feeling's unexplainable. If you ask me, I would ask the same question to my heart. "Why do I love Iszani so much?" I myself couldn't find the answer. But as far as I know, like I told him yesterday, "This kind of feeling comes right from your heart. There's no reason for it. It just comes naturally." I've always wished for something, I wish that I could stay under one roof with him, spend the rest of my life with him, and be the best wife for him.

dear my little baby.... 
hubbby here.. 
i juz wana sae how much i love you.. 
i just doesnt want aniting to hapen in this relationship.. 
i cant bear to live without you.. 
i need you no matter what. i will owez dere for u.. 
i just want to be with you for ever... 
i wan you in my life.. 
i gave u everything i have.. baby i will always stand for you..
Please dun leave mie no matter wad k my baby..
i wont leave you even a small tiny matter..

signing off,
taz

It's been quite a while since I last updated this journal. Busy? Not really. Maybe just no inspiraton to write. 1st day o Ramadhan. Tonight I just feel like writing...typing. Yeah you get what I mean.

Ok this isn't suppose to be some crap entries. I wanna pen down my thoughts about our relationship. He talked to his mum. And the respond was ok. Rather reasonable. Just like what my mum always tell me. Next one he's suppose to talk to is his grandma. But that can wait. i mean, I don't want him to rush things. Let it just go with the flow. Somehow I feel better after he talked to his mum. It's the first step to show the truth. I just hope poeple don't misjudge me anymore. I've had enough of it. 

So, me and him. Been fine. Going pretty well, except for some arguments and misunderstandings. Like the one that just happened. He said he would talk to me after his parents went home. I suppose he wants me to wait right. So I waited...for about 3 hrs+ and still nothing from him. It turned out he fell asleep. He should have told me so I won't get so worried and kept waiting for him!! And yes my dear, I was angry. Really, really angry. It's not the first time it happened. Kept me waiting for so long.

Anyway, just let it pass. Tomorrow, I mean later, is already the 2nd day of fasting and I'm gonna cook something for break fast coz mum's working overtime. Time to shine! Haha!!

One meaningful and unforgettable night. I've realized all the mistakes I've done. And it's all thanks to him.

I've always point out his mistakes. And I think that I'm always right all the time. I never thought that I was the one at fault. I pushed the blame to others. All for the reason of I was selfish, egoistic, self-centred and wants everything to be perfect. I couldn't accept any flaws from other people. I want people to be perfect, and be exactly how I want them to be.  But they can't. In fact, nobody can. Even myself, I'm not perfect and nobody is. 

I always think that I am right in every way. That's when my ego comes in. I expect him to understand my feelings and treat me the way I want. How selfish can I be! I want everything from him. But I don't do the same for him. I want him to understand my feelings. But I don't understand his. I want him to treat me super nicely, but I am mean to him. Very mean. I hurt his feelings. A lot more than he did to me. I only think about myself, I never think about him at all. I only want the best for myself but I don't do the same for him. I am so self-centred!

He's done everything for me. All his kindness, his help. He's been putting so much effort to make this relationship a blissful one. He's sacrificed so many things for us. He's done so many things to make me happy. Even if he can't, he'll do anything just so that he can see me happy. But what do I give him back in return? I never appreciated everything he did for me. Never. I never feel thankful for everything he has done. I never appreciate all his kindness, sacrifices, efforts. I only see the bad points of him. But did he see mine? I've got a whole lot of bad attitude but he never spoke of it. He didn't mind all my bad points. But I was the one who kept complaining about him, his attitude, his bad behaviours.  I was the one who never appreciated him for the way he is. I expect him to be perfect and do things in my way. I kept saying about his bad points when in fact, he's been the best guy I've ever seen! I couldn't ask for more.

I used to tell him that I hate him. But in actual fact, it's me I'm supposed to hate. Yes, I hate myself. I hate myself very much, for behaving this way. I still can't forgive myself after all these time. I'm angry at myself. But he still accepts me, and still wants to be with me, after all I did to him. All the bad things I did to him, he still put it aside. But what about me? I don't do the same for him. Sometimes I feel like breaking up with him because I'm not good enough for him. He don't deserve these bad treatment from me. I don't want to see him hurt because of me. I'm a bad person. He's far much better than me. I just wanna see him happy and have a good life. And not tolerating my behaviours.

I wanna change. But it's hard. No matter what, it may take long, but I will still try to improve myself. For him, and everybody else around me. I'm so glad he's still with me despite everything I did to him. One thing for sure... Hubby...

"You're Still The One I Love"

& I

"Thank God I Found You"

Perasaanku terhadap Dewi bagai air yang tenang di lautan besar. Perasaan cintaku terhadapnya hingga tidak berkata-kata. Mulutku bisu tapi hatiku yang bercakap. Aku mula menyayangi dirinya dari mula hingga ke hujung nafazku. Tiada sesiapa pun boleh hancurkan perhubungan ini walau apa pun dilakukan. Walaupun mulut boleh binasakan perhubungan seseorang tetapi hati dan perassan ini bole mengkukuhkan siralturahim. Walaupun banyak halangan itu bukan ertinya kita harus menyerlah kalah tetapi kita harus hadapinya dengan penuh kesabaran. bagi orang yang bersabar, Allah s.w.t akan menghadiahkan orang itu dengan nikmat yang baik. Kasih sayangku terhadap seseorang itu bukan mudah dihancurkan. Walaupun perangaiku dan latar belakang keluargaku sangat berbeza dengannya tetapi itu semua bukan halangan untok aku mencintainya. Walaupun kehidupan ini penuh dengan rintangan itu semua sudah ditakdirkan oleh tuhan.  Bagaimanapun berlaku terhadap diriku, aku akan berdiri tegap untuk perhubungan ini dan terutama sekali untuk sayangku, Dewi Suryaningsih. Walaupun keluargaku berfikir bukan-bukan terhadap sayangku, itu bukan bererti aku harus terus dengar cakap keluargaku. Aku sudah dewasa, aku boleh berfikir untuk diriku sendiri, apa yang baik dan apa yang buruk. Aku tahu keluargaku mahu tengok aku senang tapi mereka tersilap langkah. Mereka tidak harus tuduh-menuduh orang yang tidak bersalah. Susah dan senang hidup ini, aku dan dewi akan terus berjuang bersama untuk keadilan. Aku tidak beringin untuk melihat Dewi bersedih lagi. Sudah cukup baginya untuk terus bersedih. Aku seorang teman lelakinya akan buat dia gembira dan memberinya sepenuh kasih sayang dan dorongan. Aku tidak mahu lepaskan dia walau apapun berlaku. Aku akan tetap bersamanya untuk selamanya. Aku seorang lelaki yang bukan senang terpengaruh dengan wanita-wanita lain. AKu jenis manusia yang setia pada satu walaupun rupanya tidak secantik mana tetapi hati seorang itu yang aku mencari dan aku mahu. Apa yang buat aku cintakan Dewi ialah peranginya dan hatinya sebab itu yang buat aku terpikat dari mula aku mengenalinya. Dewi adalah seorang gadis pertama yang aku cintai pada pandang pertama. Aku sangat gembira bila melihat wajahnya yang manis dan suka tersenyum dan ketawa. Dari mula aku mengenalinya hingga sekarang perasaan aku tetap sama. Aku sungguh kesal dengan perbuatan ku ini terhadapnya Aku sungguh malu hingga kadang-kadang aku tidak mahu berhadapan dengannya. Setiap kali aku membawa dia keluar, hatiku berdegap-degup kerana aku sangat sayang padanya. Walaubagaimanapun aku akan tetap mengajanya keluar ke tempat-tempat yang menarik di Singapura. Aku paling gemar melihat dia bila waktu makan sebab cara dia makan membuat aku tertarik hati.

Had a big fight with him yesterday. And I asked for a break-up. And I'm sure I'm dead serious here. I coudn't take it anymore. Yes, I also treated him badly. I have my faults. I'm also to be blamed. But, is that the way he handles situation? Is that the way he solves problems? I don't like it. I don't like the way he talked and the things he said. That is absolutely not the right way. He can't treat me the way I want him to. So forget it. 

The point is, I would have treated him much better if he had talked to me nicely.

I don't know why but, I'm still thinking about what I said to him yesterday... Still considering.

The day didn't start well, but it turn out quite great towards the later part. I went off early, passed the form to the office and met hubby. Finally, got to savour that delicious chocolate waffle from my school. So after that, we were looking for that particular carpark. The place that holds a thousand memories. That place that started the "physicals."

Found it! Yeah that is the place. So we sat down, get comfy with each other first, and re-enact  the almost exact incident that happened about 7-8 months ago. 

Hubby: Can I kiss you?
Me:      No
Hubby: Can I kiss you?
Me:      No

And the last time, "Can I kiss you?" And we made it..real slowly..reminiscing back the old days. My first kiss with him. Our very first kiss.